Christmas time and the summer holidays should be the one happiest times of the year, particularly for children, but for families where parents have separated or divorced and now live apart, it can quickly become a period of high stress and tension.
This is one of the reasons the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia prioritises hearing urgent applications on orders regarding parenting arrangements for children during December – in recognition of the fact that parents can often end up in conflict as they each try to spend as much time as possible with their children.
Parents who live apart and have managed to come to workable arrangements about when and where children spend their days over the holidays often cite an important piece of wisdom: Two happy households are better than one unhappy home. It’s a mantra that can provide reassurance to children at a time of year when they should feel free of tension and worry – and as any parent soon discovers, children are particularly attuned to friction between their parents, even when the adults feel they are being discreet about their differences.
How to ensure ‘two happy households’
At the core of Australia’s Family Law Act, when it comes to decisions about parenting, is consideration of ‘the child’s best interests’. This same principle should guide parents when it comes to decisions about who the children spend time with over the Christmas holiday period.
A child has the right to spend time with each of their parents as well as their respective grandparents and extended family. Conflict often arises because parents focus on the significance of one day, such as Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve. But to accommodate the wishes and desires of children, consider the possibility of two Christmas Days on different dates, for example – one with one parent and one with the other. Creative thinking might be required to ensure children get to experience the ‘magic’ of the season with each parent. After all, there are enough days in a school holiday period stretching six to eight weeks for children to spend quality time with both parents.
What about if there are parenting orders in place?
If there are parenting orders or a mutually agreed parenting plan in place, it should be followed. In either case there are often detailed schedules set down in relation to specific days during the holiday period – 50:50 split on Christmas Day, or the week before Christmas with one parent and the week after with the other, for example. Adhere to the schedule as best as humanly possible.
Where there is a more informal agreement in operation, with arrangements made on an ad hoc basis between parents, commonsense and civility should apply to steer clear of unnecessary conflict. Parents should avoid, at all costs, making unilateral decisions to keep a child longer than agreed, or remove a child from the other parent’s care without consent. Open, transparent and regular communication via text message, email or a parenting app are the best ways to prevent and avoid misunderstandings or frustrations.
Many quality online resources now exist to provide guidance to parents in this situation, with specific advice about dealing with holiday periods. In more intractable or difficult situations, dispute resolution and other forms of mediation with an experienced but neutral person facilitating communication between parents is also available and should be considered in preference to arguments.
If all else fails, engaging the services of an experienced, understanding family lawyer to facilitate communicate with the other parent may be helpful. An expert legal professional can help focus the other party’s mind on any relevant legal obligations and suggest ways for compromise to be reached that are in the best interests of the children.
Happy holidays!
For many children, Christmas holidays is a time where they look to the significant adults in their lives for safety and happiness. This is not the case if they detect or witness anger and tension between their parents. Take a breath before you act with emotion at this time of year and remember, Two Happy Households.